"Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we love. Where there is deep grief, there is great love."
- Anonymous
We experience a range of emotions as we traverse life. It is only human to hope and pray for happiness for ourselves and that of our loved ones, yet we cannot deny the reality of grief and sadness in our lives. Where there is love, its loss will have us experience grief.
Grief is a complex emotion that can include sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, loneliness, and despair. After a loss, it is an integral part of the healing process as we cope with altered circumstances.
When someone close to us is grieving, we can support them by being patient, understanding and mindful of their needs. Consoling a loved one who is grieving can be challenging. It may seem that anything you do or say does not help. But while you cannot take the pain away, being present is invaluable and so is recognizing that healing is a gradual process. Comforting a grieving one is not something that can be done in a single moment; instead, it requires continuous reassurance, with words and gestures. To help with knowing what to say or do, it's necessary to recognize What NOT to -
- Being sensitive and compassionate to someone in grief is essential, so avoid making any assumptions about how the person is feeling or what they may need.
- It is best to keep the conversation light and refrain from asking probing questions that may cause further distress.
- It is important to be respectful of their emotional boundaries.
- Avoid making any statements that may come off as judgmental or dismissive.
- Further, do not get tempted to give advice or attempt to fix their problems.
What can be done to support this?
It can be difficult to watch a loved one suffer. Even with the best intentions, it may just not be possible to instantly take away their pain. It is also natural not to know where to start when trying to help our loved ones take the first step toward healing.
They may benefit from walking the very non-linear grief trajectory with someone like Harika Sachdev, a Grief Coach. Her wide experience over the last decade allows invaluable support to ease the trying journey that grief may impose.
Harika shares some pointers here on what you can do to support a loved one who is grieving:
- Allow the person to express their feelings. When they talk, listen without judgment.
- Gently let them know that it’s ok to not be ok.
- Grief is a process, and there’s no “right” way to navigate it – it’s just important to allow the person to go through the process at their own pace. While we hope and wait for the loved one to move on, the natural course of healing cannot be speeded up.
- As a well-intentioned supporter, don’t let the person feel alone. Some want to talk. Others don’t. That can change over time. Just keep checking in, gently.
- Offer practical support. This can include anything from running errands, making meals, and answering the phone to helping with funeral arrangements or just providing a listening ear.
- Grief can be "complicated" and mysterious. The path is different for everyone, so don’t assume you know what someone is feeling or that they are in a particular “stage”. “You never know what people need. It’s not a recipe book”, says Harika.
- Don’t feel compelled to offer solutions. Instead, assist by creating a safe supportive environment
Final Thoughts
Grief is a difficult and challenging journey, and no one should have to undertake it alone. Extending support to someone who is grieving can be daunting, as we may feel unsure about whether we are providing the right kind of help. Thankfully, there are resources now available, so people can get help to support someone who is experiencing sorrow. Allowing a Grief Coach to act as an anchor, gently guiding you or a loved one through pain and suffering, will help to support the bereavement process and develop a self-paced plan for recovery.
- Sumita Mahto
